Cyber Millionaires

 My phones, some would say Luddite that I am, landline and cell, ring so often I'm tempted to turn ringers off. Most are telemarketers and I am loath to be really rude to them in hopes they will take me off their list. After all, they are working in an almost universally disliked job to earn a living and to me that's commendable. So many, in present times, are not willing. So I don't answer if the number is not familiar. What does aggravate me very much is that some unscrupulous places have the ability to 'spoof' numbers and names. This is fraud, pure and simple. I learned by trial and error(answering) not to be fooled if a number is very similar to one I know. Names from different providers sometimes do not show, unfortunately, so memorize the numbers you want to talk to!
The piece below is a column I did a number of years ago for a local weekly newspaper. Even more valid, today, I'm sorry to say.

Completely Free 

Riiiight! How many times are we taken in by that phrase? I know I have been too many times to count. And its cousin, ‘If dissatisfied, cancel anytime.’ Uh huh. Just try calling the number you’re given to call and cancel the subscription to Clutter-Free Living after six unread issues clutter your coffee table. If you persevere through half a dozen pass-the-buck call transfers, or manage not to be disconnected, you might get to talk to a live person. You very calmly explain that you wish to cancel your subscription and receive a refund on unused issues. The person oh so sweetly wants you to tell them why you could possibly be dissatisfied with such a stellar periodical. When you remind them you were told you could cancel for any or no reason, you get more circular talk. And to please hold while the representative confers with the ‘circulation manager.’ ‘Circulation manager’ comes on the line to persuade you how much you need the magazine. You yell and scream and finally are told that yes, of course, your subscription will be cancelled. Relieved, gullible you hang up. Only to have to go through the same thing for the next two months when the magazines keep piling up. By the time the next-to-last issue is due to ship, your subscription might be cancelled. Three months pass and eventually a check for five dollars arrives in your mailbox. Once upon a time we only got into these predicaments if we unwisely allowed a door-to-door salesman – or an earnest student ‘working his or her way through college’ - inside our front door. Now telephone solicitors calling from huge boiler room operations, and online offers too good to pass up, lie in wait for us multiple times daily. Online websites which charge for information are masters of this sleight-of-hand scam. Sign up and browse for free. Only once an account is created a credit card number is required before any useful information can be accessed. Humans are so constructed that once they’ve invested time in a project, they are more willing to invest money. Thereby are cyber millionaires created, from ‘free’ stuff.

Resolutions and Pavlov

Well, 'pun' my honor. I'm doing it again. Folks who despise that literary play on words called a 'pun' might prefer to skip this post. If so, that's okay, just come back next week, ya hear? Maybe I'll have another post to your liking.
I chose several of my favorites from a list posted online several years ago by an author I've only ever met online, Serita Stevens. I have no idea if they're original with her, but just to be safe, I'm crediting her.

The first one on the list is a pretty good definition of the type.

A good pun is its own re-word. Yup. Although with the Smart Phone-birthed textspeak, which some of us can't seem to grasp, in the future good puns may be hard to come by.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes. No doubt this wrath was endured by a few, or many, New Year's revelers a month or so ago. Of course, for some no holiday is required to be visited by it periodically.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. How many of those earnestly proclaimed New Year's Diet Resolutions, if people still make them, have achieved that triumph even for a month, I wonder. Mine never did, so I stopped making them.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? One of my favorites, 'nuff said.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Many of us don't need to hear Pavlov's bell. We just need to drive by a fast food place and we begin to salivate, not for small or medium, but usually for a large serving.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Ah, bread, the staff of life we've heard. That's what makes me salivate for a large whatever. Something like a nice bagel, crusty croissant, or preferably, a lovely frosted cinnamon raisin biscuit.